I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
