I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
