Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Found the puke drawer
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My liver just had a heart attack.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
