I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
