5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
