I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
