dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
