Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Well I just put wine in my tea
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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