Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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