i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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