Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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