did you get engaged???
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
