i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
