I didn't shave. On purpose
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
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all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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