The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
