I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
it was like eating out sand paper
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
