He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
