1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
