I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
