we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
