The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
