And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
