Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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