Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
