did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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