If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
