I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
