he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
