we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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