just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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