the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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