nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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