oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
