I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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