i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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