i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
