well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
