32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
