I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
