im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
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I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
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The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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