the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
