I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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