My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
