I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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