reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Someone came in the potted fern
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
