I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
