sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
