Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
