Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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