The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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