you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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