Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
