I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
