I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
