I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
did i just pee glitter
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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