he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
