I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
