I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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