I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
